Most mothers share a common desire: We want to offer our children a happy and well-adjusted childhood. To do that, healthy presence is key. If staying present means being intentional about what we don’t do, it also means keeping our focus on what we should do.
Philosopher Henry David Thoreau once said, “When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all incumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real.” What is necessary in your life? What is real?
If we are to distinguish between the “necessary and the real,” we have to face the world’s lie that good mothers expose their children to every activity under the sun. I understand the pressure you are under. Not only have I heard the justifications, I’ve also said them:
“How will my children know what their gifts are unless I introduce them to a variety of activities?”
“I want them to become well-rounded adults.”
“It’s competitive out there, and a padded résumé may set my kids apart from other college applicants.”
“I like to keep them busy so they don’t have time to get into trouble.”
Yes, not all forms of busyness are unhealthy. Not all well-filled calendars are toxic. Many people experience bouts of seasonal busyness that are an exception to an otherwise well-balanced pace of life. But we are forgetting to consider what’s actually necessary when a season of frenzy has given way to a lifestyle of chaos.
Many mothers set forth with pure intentions, believing busyness is the best path to success. We engage our children in activities that will help them tap into their gifts and discover their callings. We want them to have life experiences that will contribute to their educational, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. We make countless sacrifices to offer our kids a better world than we had growing up.
God bless my firstborn child, who was raised by two firstborns. (We’ve jokingly offered to cover any therapy costs he may need as a result of this unfortunate firstborn trifecta.) When he was four, we signed him up for a soccer league despite the reality that he showed zero interest in kicking the ball around in our backyard. Of course, we ended up with a weekly scheduled sideline meltdown and a determined refusal to play, every single game—even when bribed with that exciting 1990s currency, a McDonald’s Happy Meal after the game. (On the upside, I didn’t have to wash his jersey the entire season, and it was dirt- and grass-stain free for the end-of-season team picture.)
This is the same firstborn child who got a blowout pirate-themed five-year-old birthday party, complete with a treasure map for each guest that led them through a maze of challenges in our backyard and culminated in the playscape gravel pit with spray-painted Xs to indicate where I’d buried the treasure. I also rented a Captain Hook costume for my husband and told him to chase the children around the backyard as they hunted for their buried treasure. (The more introverted children in the bunch are probably still in counseling over this.) Later, as we were circling the kids up for a game of musical chairs on the driveway, I noticed that the birthday boy was nowhere to be seen. I finally found him inside, sitting quietly in the living room, putting together a Lego model he’d received as a gift. When I asked him if he wanted to come outside and play party games, he simply replied, “No. I’m ready for my friends to go home now.”
In my desire to offer my son “much,” I missed the mark on what he would have considered just enough—a calmer, quieter birthday celebration with a handful of family and friends. If I had it to do over, I’d save my money, my time, and my sanity.
I am certainly not suggesting that fun birthday parties and extracurricular activities are a waste of time. My husband and I loved cheering our children on in their various pursuits. When properly balanced, these activities can help our children develop team-building skills and aid in their overall maturity. But balance is the key. If these activities dominate the calendar and leave us little room to breathe, they become counterproductive and can yield more exhaustion than enrichment.
You have only so much time in a day. It is easy to get caught up in the trap of believing every spare moment should be invested in your children. You can support your kids in their various activities without sacrificing your own sanity. When we base choices on what’s necessary for our family’s real needs, we are able to be more present in the moments that matter most.
Adapted from Motherhood Is Not Your Highest Calling by Vicki Courtney. Copyright © 2025. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries.
{If you enjoyed this blog post, you might also like this episode of The Love Offering Podcast, where Rachael chats with Jessica Hurlbut about her book Unlimited Motherhood to ignite hope in the hearts of overwhelmed moms to believe that God has more. You can listen to the episode here.}
About the Author:
Vicki Courtney is the bestselling author of numerous books and Bible studies, including Move On, Rest Assured, 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter, and 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son. She is a two-time ECPA Christian Book Award winner and has appeared on CNN and Fox News. Vicki and her husband, Keith, reside in the Texas Hill Country and have three grown children and ten grandchildren.
