She sits on the floor, legs crossed. A toddler hangs over her shoulders, his tiny bare feet using her waistband as a foothold to support his climb. By now, her coffee is cold, and the one bite she’s taken from her muffin will be the last. I’m here to lead a Bible study for a group of young moms, and some have their kids with them.
It’s early in the morning, before my day starts. I’m quiet before the Lord – or am I? Actually, my mind is busy and loud, with thoughts of “what if it all goes wrong? I don’t know anyone and they don’t know me – would they listen to me? How do I make sure I do everything right? I hope my client doesn’t regret hiring me…”
I sat shocked, replaying the disturbing video of a swimming pool in Israel suddenly disappearing into the ground. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen this science-fiction-film vibe: houses and cars sucked into the earth while everything around them remains untouched. Turns out, these sinkholes are a fairly common occurrence worldwide. In the U.S., about 20% of the land is susceptible to these strange vortexes.
My eyes opened up and immediately I awoke to a new decade. I felt the cloak of grief immediately invite itself to my side. Would I pick it up? Would I grieve that I would not be able to celebrate this fourth decade of my life in the way I imagined?
Have you ever been asked how you’re doing, and your reply is a quick “I’m fine” when you’re anything but “fine”? This was my song and dance for the better part of my adult life. I could do it all, be it all, help everyone, and please everybody. I was never tired, frustrated, worried, scared, or lonely…except I was… I just didn’t let myself feel those feelings; I didn’t acknowledge my emotions, much less express them. I was self-sufficient and running full speed ahead…. straight for a crash course.