The welcome of God changes everything.
No one is a stranger to loneliness. Despite how social we are via text, chat, and notifications, we are far from being truly connected. We all want someone else to really see us and choose us for who we are. We want a place to finally fit in. But what if finding the right people or the right place is not the answer?
From her community-building background, Sarah E. Westfall takes our longing to belong as an invitation to embrace and extend the deep love of God. After years contemplating how she fit in and trying to earn acceptance, she realized “belonging is not something to attain, but someone to become.” Through narrative, research, Scripture, and spiritual practice, she teaches how belonging is a way of being–a posture of welcome in the spirit of the Father who extends his arms to those returning and those who don’t yet know they’ve resisted his love.
Whether you understand the perspective of the outsider in need of acceptance well or you’re eager to include, the barriers to belonging can come down as Sarah gently guides us toward deep connection―a connection where our humanity draws us closer to people and envelops us in the heart of God. Embark with Sarah on this challenge that will awaken your empathy and affirm you with the truth of these words: “You are welcome.”
Summary
In this conversation, Sarah E. Westfall discusses the concept of belonging and how it is not something to attain but someone to become. She emphasizes that true belonging is rooted in our belovedness within God and extends to the world around us. Sarah explores the challenges of connection with others and offers practical ways to create an environment of belonging, such as shifting our posture towards one another and becoming the kind of person we want others to be for us. She also shares the biblical concept of love and the importance of rest and hope in finding belonging.
Takeaways
Belonging is not something to attain but someone to become, rooted in our belovedness within God.
Creating an environment of belonging requires shifting our posture towards one another and becoming the kind of person we want others to be for us.
Resting in the love of God and borrowing hope from Jesus can sustain us in seasons of feeling like we don’t belong.
Naming our desires for connection and taking small steps towards building relationships can lead to a sense of belonging.
The biblical concept of love, as exemplified in Jesus’ prayer in John 17, calls us to be one with God and one another.
Quotes:
“Belonging is not something to attain but someone to become”
“Shifting our posture towards one another”
“Finding subtleness and wholeness in God’s love”
Transcript:
Rachael Adams (00:00.699)
Well, hello, Sarah, and welcome to the love offering podcast. I’m so happy to have you.
Sarah E. Westfall (00:05.009)
Rachel, thanks so much for the invitation. It’s good to be with you.
Rachael Adams (00:09.105)
So I said before we hit record, like, I feel like I already know you even though I don’t. So like you just must be one of those like welcoming friendly faces that’s like a fast friend or something. So I’m so excited for today’s conversation and to get to know you better. And I first started following you and you had something called the liturgy of little things. And so as the author of the little goes a way, this was particularly just, you know, I was drawn to that. So what is a little thing that you are noticing or thankful for today?
Sarah E. Westfall (00:39.52)
Well, today it is a quiet house because all four of our boys are back at school as of this week. And our house is generally a pretty high volume home just by the sheer number of people who are in it. And I think that today I just am not real. I’m just realizing how much my soul and my body and my brain has just needed a little bit of quiet. So I feel like a sponge today soaking it in.
Rachael Adams (01:07.207)
Well, thanks for letting us into your, we’re bringing some noise into your life today. So thank you for letting us intrude into your quiet space. you’ve written a book titled, Way of Belonging, Reimagining Who We Are and How We Relate. So have you felt like you don’t belong in various seasons of your life?
Sarah E. Westfall (01:15.806)
yeah, just don’t ask me for a snack. That’s all I’m requesting.
Sarah E. Westfall (01:33.134)
probably most of my life. Now it is ebb and flowed. think that one thing that I’ve learned about belonging is that it is so very internal and unseen on the surface. And it’s not always determined by whether we are actually alone or alongside other people. And so there’s been this shifting nature of belonging through my entire life and a question I’ve carried since
Really, I was a little girl and in my growing up, beginning to wrestle with questions of who am I, where do I fit, of wanting deep friendship but not knowing how to cultivate that or having it and losing it. So there’s just been a lot of questions that have surfaced over my 40 plus years that all kind of go back to this bigger question of belonging, of what is it?
And how do I, how do I get it?
Rachael Adams (02:34.343)
Yeah, I think it’s a very common feeling for many of us. I know I have felt that way and sometimes still do. So despite how social we are via text, chat and notifications, we’re far from being truly connected. I believe this is part of your actual book I’m reading. we all want someone else to really see us and choose us for who we are. We want a place to finally fit in. But you assert, what if finding the right people or the right place is not the answer? So I’d love for you to elaborate on that.
Sarah E. Westfall (03:04.832)
Yeah, you know, for a really long time, I defined belonging only by what other people extended to me. a lot of that was wrapped up in achievement or acceptance. And so it probably was a little bit more in line with fitting in. And what happens when we only define belonging by what other people offer to us?
is that we always feel like we’re kind of at anyone else’s mercy. We feel like maybe we have to hide certain things or bend or shift or shape, change who we are in order to be accepted into this whole, into this inner circle. And it’s not that belonging is, like other people are not, they are part of that equation. That’s what I’m trying to say. Like other people are part of the equation.
but we have no real influence or control over how other people offer that to us or whether they do. But for many, many years, I spun my wheels and tried to be really performative or achieve things to get that recognition or the spotlight and almost to be like, am I good enough now? You know, that feeling within me to see, am I accepted now? And it was always, it always felt like,
even those moments when I was in the spotlight, the spotlight would fade and I’d be right back where I started. And so by defining our belonging by this ideal inner circle or a specific place or a people, we detach our belonging from what is already within us, what is already ours, what is here, what is now. And so
The way of belonging, what I have learned, is not a search for acceptance, but a way of being in the world rooted in our belovedness within God, wrapping our identity in that, in his worth, and then becoming then something that we extend to the world around us. And so it becomes less dependent.
Sarah E. Westfall (05:31.204)
on this romanticized version of what we think community and connection and belonging is going to look like and rather embracing what already is, embracing that deep and abundant love of God and then living from that place of subtleness right where we are.
Rachael Adams (05:49.863)
Yeah. You know one of the statements that you make in your book says belonging is not something to attain but someone to become and I think this this goes to what you were just really saying but I’d love for you to to talk about that statement as well. What do you mean by this?
Sarah E. Westfall (06:05.984)
Yeah, that idea was really heavily influenced by Henry Nowen’s book, The Return of the Prodigal Son. And in that book, he talked about how so often we find our identity or we see our image reflected back to us in one of the two sons in the story, either who we know as the prodigal, who, you the wayward son or the one who stayed, the older brother.
who tried to wrap his identity in doing all the right things. And we so often see ourselves maybe reflected in those, but the invitation, the invitation from God, the invitation of the father in the story is to become like the father, to be the one who goes out and comes near his sons and says, come home. Like I want you home with me.
And so the invitation that Henry Nowen talks about is ultimately what God invites us to is to become like the Father, to become home for one another. And so when we begin to look at belonging from that lens, of the lens of what does it look like to become people of welcome in this world.
Belonging is much more about becoming than that person, becoming the person who is this embodiment of home here on earth, rather than something we’re always reaching for.
Rachael Adams (07:46.929)
Yeah, it’s so good. And something else that you say, you say that the welcome of God changes everything. So how did it change everything for you?
Sarah E. Westfall (07:58.218)
Yeah, I alluded earlier to, you know, I’m a firstborn. I come from a high achieving family and I’m pretty independent in my nature. All things that were kind of applauded, to be honest with you, in my growing up within my family, but also within the church. And what I began to see or the picture of God that I began to paint in my head based on some of those things based on
who I heard and understood God to be in my head. I had a picture of God that loved me, but was always kind of in the corner watching too, of saying, are you going to have a missed step? Are you going to do this the right way, capital R? And what I have found, especially in seasons of deep grief and loss,
where I could be very little to anyone. I had very little to offer because I was in such a posture of need in that season. And what I found in that was a God who came and sat down in the dirt beside me. A God who did not ask me to be anything other than what I was and whose love was extended to me in my darkest of moments. And that welcome, that, that
presence and proximity. When I had nothing to give, when I had no measure of performance, there was nothing shiny about who I was. That welcome really shifted in me a different understanding of who God is, a tenderness that was probably always there, but I hadn’t really experienced it to that depth.
before and in the midst of that tenderness, knowing that I am so welcomed and so loved by God, there’s like a freedom in that. There’s an exhale in that that allows me then not to try to work so stinking hard to be all things to all people. And so I can then just become more and more, not perfectly, but more and more this.
Sarah E. Westfall (10:23.978)
this vessel of God’s love that I am letting his welcome kind of sink into my skin as I learn then to be home and to extend that love to other people. And just it continues to truly change everything.
Rachael Adams (10:41.979)
You know, I think it’s not just like a one and done. Would you say like this is a continual like I need to come back home to the Lord. I need to come back home and connect with Him. It’s not just, I think it’s a continual work. you think?
Sarah E. Westfall (10:56.832)
absolutely. And that’s why we were really intentional with this book to talk about the way of belonging. Again, it’s not a place that we arrive. It is not a set it and forget it, that it is really a way of being, of continually coming back home to God, coming back home to ourselves and who we really are and who He created us to be in our specificity. And then
Rachael Adams (11:11.175)
you
Sarah E. Westfall (11:24.84)
learning to love from that place of being held. But yes, there’s a lot of meandering and that’s why I sometimes I picture in this there’s a little bit of like floating on the water to it of like there’s some days are a little choppier than others and we may not feel quite so settled but we we can be held nonetheless.
Rachael Adams (11:48.519)
you know after we connect with the Lord which sometimes maybe that’s the easy part maybe not. Maybe none of it’s easy but why do you think that connection with people is just so hard? mean but yet we’re built for relationships. The Lord has you know it started with the Trinity and then he brought Eve to Adam and then you know all throughout scripture you see how he wanted people together you know even the disciples were sent out two by two so
Sarah E. Westfall (12:02.4)
Hmm.
Rachael Adams (12:16.376)
But yet it’s it’s difficult and so why would you what would your I don’t know. What are your thoughts on why it would be so difficult?
Sarah E. Westfall (12:25.588)
Yeah, you know, I think it’s difficult because there’s like the, we have to hold two realities in our hands at the same time. Yes, we are worthy as image bearers of God that there is that worth and love and belovedness baked in, but we’re also weak. We’re broken. We’re not perfect. We are not God. And so holding both of those realities at the same time,
Is really complex and sometimes they feel at odds with one another and when it comes to our connections when it comes to wanting to have these Deep and connected relationships beyond, Instagram not that we’re here to poo poo on Instagram, but I Think I think it’s safe to say that we are made for more than that level of connection
It gets hard because somewhere along the way we hurt each other. We give wounds and we are wounded and in the process, I think that we often then try to hide from one another. We hide from God. We become tender and sometimes very understandably so.
Sarah E. Westfall (13:52.252)
Pain is there to tell us, to inform us about something and it’s good to pay attention to that. But you know, I think of even Adam and Eve, the story of Adam and Eve from the very beginning, kind of their first flaw alongside one another is trying to play God or to grasp for what was beyond what was theirs. And their initial reaction then was,
shame and hiding and blaming one another. And so I think a lot of those same things are still at play. We have tendency to hide and pull back from God and each other. We get wounded. So what do we do? We blame the other person or we maybe try to even make ourselves look a little bit better so that the other, you know, so that the other person
in an attempt to make ourselves feel better, we make other people less. And it just gets really complicated because we are human. And while we are deeply, deeply loved by God, we are not God and we are prone to so many flaws and missteps and failures along the way. And so,
It’s really easy. One of my taglines for my own podcast is it’s about the communal life and it’s for people who agree it’s not good to be alone but who secretly wonder if it would be easier. Are you sure? God. And I say this too as an introvert. I said I am enjoying my quiet today. I am really enjoying my quiet today. But you know, I’m thinking too of some of my closest relationships.
Rachael Adams (15:27.633)
them.
Sarah E. Westfall (15:46.302)
even though they may be my most transparent, like intimate relationship, let’s even talk about like my husband with Ben. What does that deep connectedness do in me? It’s that God is continually using it to form me more into his likeness. Ben and I are both first borns, we butt heads all the time. We both think our way is the right way.
But in that there’s like a refining, there is a mirror that my closest relationships hold up to me and say, this is where you’re good, really, really good. And also this is where you’re a little sharp around the edges, you know? And I think that that’s why we do need connection. We need human community.
Rachael Adams (16:33.892)
Thank
Sarah E. Westfall (16:45.636)
not only because there’s just that desire to belong, to exist in embodied ways alongside each other, but also because I think that’s one of the ways God forms us spiritually. It’s just usually very clumsy and awkward and grinding and painful along the way.
Rachael Adams (17:09.147)
Yeah, I have said that before. feel like marriage and motherhood are God’s way of sanctifying us. I mean, like there, it’s just a constant daily, you know, let be patient when you don’t feel like being patient and love unconditionally and forgive and extend mercy and like all of those things that he’s trying to shape and mold in us. And so even though it is.
Exactly right. And so despite all how hard it can be, how do you think we can create an environment of belonging? Like what can we do to help in this process?
Sarah E. Westfall (17:44.48)
Yeah, you know, I did the second half of my book, The Way of Belonging. That’s kind of the question we explore. Like all of this sounds really good, Sarah, but how, right? And so I think that it’s, I’m sure there are numerous ways outside of the ones that I have explored, but I think there’s two things that go hand in hand. And one is beginning to shift our posture toward one another.
or changing our mindset. And so some of the shifts that I explore in the book is shifting from a posture of lack to a posture of longing. And beginning to look at that ache to belong or that rises maybe as loneliness or sometimes it is a deeper ache, know, a soul level ache.
And so often we interpret that as, there’s something wrong with me. It’s a personal deficiency and we can let that narrative like pull back from one another. But if we begin to like flip the story and say, no, actually this is a longing. This is a God given desire that you have within you. Yes, it still hurts. Yes, it’s presenting as an ache, but
If we can look on it with more tenderness and see it as a longing, as something that is pointing us towards something good, then we can begin to then look at, okay, well then how do I move one step closer to what that thing is that I want? And I think one of the very first steps for a lot of us is just giving ourselves permission to name what it is that we want in our
in our relationships, name what it is that we want with God. Now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s necessarily what’s going to transpire, but by naming it, we are entering into this place of vulnerability and trust with God and saying, this is the thing, this is what I really want beneath all of these other aches and concerns, the things that are presenting as loneliness.
Sarah E. Westfall (20:09.098)
I really want to be known. I want to be seen. I want somebody to see me for all that I am and stick around. know, whatever it is that is beneath that. Being able to name it is often our first kind of formative step toward belonging. And just being honest with ourselves, like, yeah, I really do want that. Because I think it’s sometimes easy to just get distracted or…
get busy and not give attention to the things that are stirring within us. And so giving it some time and attention and naming it is really important. I think what has been really pivotal for me as well is beginning to recognize that I need to be willing to become the kind of person that I want others to be for me. And so
What does it look like then to be home to one another? What does it look like to have a lot of openness and warmth and welcome to others? Just as I go to the school and volunteer or as I go to the grocery store, it doesn’t have to be these big and grandiose kind of things that we have to do. But what does it look like?
in my heart attitude toward other people? How is my soul, is my soul soft toward other people? So we can kind of take that internal temperature, but then also how does that then affect the way that I walk into a room? As I walk into a room, am I looking for other people and asking God to help me see them as deeply loved as he sees them?
Or am I really focused on myself and how sweaty I am and wishing I were home in my sweatpants? Because the way that I enter a room, I’m looking, if I’m entering it saying, God, help me to be a person of welcome in this space, it’s helping me from caving inward and giving me eyes to see other people and opportunities to engage in conversation that maybe
Sarah E. Westfall (22:34.228)
I wouldn’t have naturally taken and stepped toward. And so it really just becomes this posture of valuing and seeing not only and honoring our own humanity and our own desires, but then also doing that for other people as well, just in our everyday lives, even with my own kids. And that’s where sometimes it gets really hard and messy and it’s like just.
please put on your shoes for the love. yeah, so it’s, and if we want more like practical, tangible things, we can probably talk about that. But I think that those things are just tools. There’s so many good books out there on like tools we can do to like connect with one another. And what I wanted to offer more so was just kind of a posture shift so that we can all take a deep breath and just be like,
Let’s enter the room a little differently. Let’s soften our hearts toward one another. Let’s have eyes to see the people who are already loved by God and that’s everyone. yes, I don’t know if that helps.
Rachael Adams (23:53.221)
Yeah, yeah, it absolutely does. And I’m just really mindful today of the woman listening that’s like, I don’t belong anywhere. Like, I don’t feel like I belong. How would you encourage her today?
Sarah E. Westfall (23:55.893)
Okay.
Sarah E. Westfall (24:07.488)
Yeah, I mean, I’ve been there. I don’t know if it’s my personality leans toward lack and kind of a narrative of like, if we’re any, we’re gonna talk like any Graham language, I’m a four. So I kind of always just like assume that I know like there’s a measure of difference, but not for me, it’s not always in a good way. It’s like, I’m the odd man out. I’m out of place. And so I felt that.
frequently throughout the course of my life. And I think the freeing thing that as I really have dug into this topic of belonging is that I’ve really learned that there are, there’s aspects of belonging that have nothing to do with other people. And what I mean by that is that there is a subtleness, there is a home within God himself that
is abundant and that sometimes kind of like the tides, know, going back to that water metaphor, there are times of pressing in and there’s times of pulling back. And in those seasons of pulling back, when we feel like I’m so tired of reaching out, I’m so tired of trying, I’m so tired of just feeling like I’m constantly out of place.
I think what I find in those moments is an invitation just to rest in the love of the Father, that it really is enough and to find that subtleness and wholeness and warmth and welcome within Him, reminding, allowing His love to remind us of our worth, that we carry that welcome already within us. And then,
you know, whether I have found it very helpful with either like a spiritual director or maybe a therapist or a pastor or a trusted friend to begin to explore what it looks like to to move closer than to other people. What does it look like then to become the kind of person that I want others to be for me? And for some of us, that means that we might need some
Sarah E. Westfall (26:35.392)
emotional relational healing to take place alongside you know with with a therapist or numerous different ways some of us it might just mean I’m going to show up for women’s Bible study and just see what happens or I’m going to take a walk around my neighborhood and just start saying hi to my neighbors you know it doesn’t have to be
a really big thing, but whatever that first small step can be to begin to extend that love that God reminds us within us outward, to begin to walk that out then as well once we feel that subtleness. Because I think it’s like that both and, as God says, rest in my love.
But then it’s not just like to hoard it and to like binge eat it ourselves, but then to also allow us to be formed and to step out toward others as well. So that we don’t just cave inward.
Rachael Adams (27:53.063)
So Sarah, I am an enneagram, I’m a four and I’m also an introvert. So like the whole time I wish everybody could see me but I’m I’m nodding because I’m like so with you in every ounce of this. I 100 % relate to everything that you’re saying and you’ve done such a good job of equating all of this to love, which is one of the reasons that I wanted to have you on the show. But is there another biblical concept of love that you feel like applies to this topic that you would want to share with us?
Sarah E. Westfall (27:57.845)
Okay.
Sarah E. Westfall (28:23.84)
Yeah, know, there often when I, and maybe I should have even said this in your last question, but so often I can lose hope when it comes to belonging, when it feels like I belong to nothing and no one, and maybe not even myself, if I feel really like full of self doubt in a particular season. There is the prayer that Jesus prayed.
toward the end of his life in John 17 and It’s a prayer. I have to return to often It’s like when I can’t even find like muster up my own hope when I can’t find it within myself It’s like I have to borrow hope from Jesus And in John 17, it’s it’s the latter half of his prayer when he’s praying for all believers and This is I’m not reading this. This is Sarah’s version of what he said
But he says, you know, may they all be one as I am in you and you are in them, you know, help us to be one so the world might know that you are with me and you are loved. So the world may know your love. And I just always go back to that because not only the words that are actually within scripture are
so very beautiful. There’s almost this cadence, this dance to it, the I in them and you in me, communal type of language. And so it, one kind of helps me remember what the vision is, helps me remember this is love. This is what it means to love God, love neighbor as ourselves. There’s an intertwined nature to it.
But then also, because it was a prayer that Jesus prayed for all believers, I believe it’s this prayer that echoes over us still. It is still Jesus’s vision for us. It is still his desire for us to know and to be known in these deeply connected ways. And so I’m like, okay, Jesus, if you can see it, then that is enough for now. And I’m going to like…
Sarah E. Westfall (30:46.454)
continue walking this way of love, even if I’m not feeling it today. And I’m borrow your hope when it seems very dim right now. So yeah, that passage has just been so kind of crucial to me, especially in related to this topic of belonging and what it looks like to…
to both embrace God’s love and extend God’s love. I just have to keep going back to that passage.
Rachael Adams (31:21.969)
you you, I don’t know if you meant to do it or not, but you talk about the way of belonging and the way of love. And it just makes me think of, you know, like this is such a fluid, like just process, you know? And so, and it even brought to mind practicing the way. I don’t know if anybody has ever read that, Jesus is the way. He is the way, the truth and the life. And so just trying to follow him in the ways that he lived.
And we do, we have the Holy Spirit in and through, that works in and through us. And so we are able to do things that are maybe not in our natural personality or our not natural bend. And so one of the other questions that I’ve been asking all of my guests is, is there something that you’re loving right now? There’s no rules to it, just whatever first pops into your head.
Sarah E. Westfall (32:11.338)
Yeah, I, so a writer friend of mine right now wrote a collection of poetry called Of Wings and Dirt by Kimberly Finney. And I, in addition to like when I can listen to my alarm clock and get up in the morning before my children, I’ve really just been enjoying starting my day reading a poem or two.
I, in addition to reading my Bible as well, I’ve been kind of taking, taking a slow trek through the Gospels. And now I’m beginning to dip my toes a little bit more into Paul’s letters. But then, so I read like a small portion of that, and then I read a few poems. Poetry is not, I’ve been a writer since I could hold a pencil, but poetry is probably not my first language when it comes to, to writing, but more and more.
I find that poetry says things that my soul can understand in a different way. And so I’ve just been really loving starting my day in that way. It just feels like very peaceful and invitational and helps me kind of get my footing before all of the feet start come thundering down the steps and are asking for breakfast.
Rachael Adams (33:35.259)
Yeah, yeah, all the moms understand that for sure. Well, no, I want to stay connected with you. sure listeners are going to want to. We’re going to want to get all these resources that we just talked about. So I’ll include those in the show notes, but tell us how we can best do that.
Sarah E. Westfall (33:49.068)
Great. Yeah, you know, if we’re just wanting to hang out on social media, I’m on Instagram is probably where I’m most active. And then you can find links to the book, my own podcast, Human Together, to my sub stack all at Sarah with an H, ewestfall .com. It’s kind of the hub where it can point you in all the different places. And then my book, The Way of Belonging is
Really, wherever you buy your books, you can Google it and find it.
Rachael Adams (34:24.359)
Okay, well, if you would just do us the honor of praying for us as we close.
Sarah E. Westfall (34:30.058)
Yeah, absolutely.
Sarah E. Westfall (34:35.168)
Father God, some days it is really, really hard to believe that you not only put in us this desire to connect, but God that it is possible.
God, if we carry these wounds, some days we are the ones who are wounded, some days we are the ones who have done the wounding. And God, we pray for healing for those.
Sarah E. Westfall (35:09.664)
God, I pray that as we go throughout the course of our day, through all of the mundane tasks and trips to the store and washing dishes and sending emails, God, that you would keep us tender and attentive to you and to each other. We pray, God, that you would help us to become more rooted in who you are and in your love.
and God that you would expand that love in us and through us.
in your precious and holy name, amen.
Rachael Adams (35:48.909)
Amen. Well, thank you so much for being my guest. I so appreciate your time and helping us to feel like we belong, but just encouraging us in the way of belonging. Thank you so
Sarah E. Westfall (35:59.604)
Yeah, absolutely. It’s been a joy.
Connect with Sarah:
https://www.sarahewestfall.com/
