Marriage is hard work—but does it have to feel so hard? Many people believe that marriage is just about surviving, that the spark inevitably fades, or that tension and conflict are just part of the deal. But what if marriage isn’t meant to drain us, but to bless us?
This week on The Love Offering Podcast, I had the joy of talking with Arlene Pellicane, author of Making Marriage Easier. After twenty-five years of marriage, Arlene shares real-life stories, biblical wisdom, and practical strategies to help us break free from common struggles—poor communication, tension over differences, lack of intimacy, and parenting stress.
She walks us through four key decisions that can help us:
✔️ Clarify our values and expectations
✔️ Strengthen communication with our spouse
✔️ Reignite intimacy and connection
✔️ Build a marriage that truly lasts
Marriage is part of God’s beautiful design, and it’s meant to be a celebration—not a burden. Whether you’re newly married, in the trenches of parenting, or decades into your relationship, this conversation will encourage and equip you to love your spouse with greater joy and intentionality.
I’d love to hear your thoughts—what’s one thing you’ve learned that has helped strengthen your marriage?
With love and encouragement,
Rachael
📖 P.S. Be sure to grab a copy of Arlene’s book, Making Marriage Easier, and take the next step toward a thriving, joy-filled marriage!
Summary
In this episode of the Love Offering Podcast, host Rachael Adams speaks with Arlene Pellicane about her book ‘Making Marriage Easier.’ They discuss the challenges of marriage, the importance of communication, and how to cultivate a joyful relationship. Arlene shares her personal love story, insights on why many people are pessimistic about marriage, and practical tips for building a strong partnership. The conversation emphasizes the significance of serving one another and maintaining a positive perspective on marriage. In this conversation, Arlene Pellicane and Rachael Adams explore the complexities of marriage, emphasizing the importance of communication, prioritizing the relationship amidst parenting, and reigniting intimacy. They discuss practical daily habits that can strengthen connections and offer hope for those struggling in their marriages, all while grounding their insights in biblical principles of love.
Takeaways
Marriage is not easy, but it is worth it.
We can make marriage easier by changing our mindset.
Connection and fun are essential in a marriage.
Cultural perceptions of marriage can lead to pessimism.
Marriage is God’s first relationship and should be valued.
Serving your spouse can transform your relationship.
Gratitude for your spouse is crucial for a healthy marriage.
Communication styles can hinder understanding in marriage.
Listening is more important than providing solutions.
The journey of marriage includes both challenges and beautiful moments. It’s essential to ask better questions to foster deeper conversations.
Parenting can shift priorities, but couples must remain connected.
Scheduling intimacy can help maintain a healthy marriage.
Daily habits, like shared meals, can strengthen relationships.
Recognizing the importance of physical intimacy is crucial for couples.
Communication about intimacy can lead to greater satisfaction in marriage.
Look for the good in your spouse to foster gratitude.
Prioritize your spouse as you would your children.
Daily rituals can create a sense of connection and intimacy.
God can work miracles in struggling marriages.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Love and Marriage
01:06 Making Marriage Easier: Insights and Inspirations
03:17 Pessimism About Marriage: Cultural Perspectives
06:14 Arlene’s Love Story: From Meeting to Proposal
11:46 The Journey of Marriage: Challenges and Triumphs
14:23 Building a Strong and Joyful Marriage: Key Lessons
18:17 The Art of Better Conversations
19:30 Prioritizing Marriage Amid Parenting
22:36 Reigniting Intimacy in Marriage
26:36 Daily Habits for a Stronger Connection
29:52 Finding Hope in Difficult Marriages
31:43 Biblical Principles of Love in Marriage
Transcript
Rachael Adams (00:01.787)
Welcome to the Love Offering Podcast. I’m your host, Rachel Adams, author of Everyday Prayers for Love, learning to love God, others, and yourself. Each week, we dive into meaningful conversations about how to live out the greatest commandment, loving God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. Whether through inspiring stories, practical tips, or biblical truths, I hope to encourage you to love boldly, live faithfully, and reflect God’s love in your everyday life.
Today’s guest is Arlene Pelicane. She is a speaker, author, and marriage advocate who has been married for over 25 years. Her latest book, Making Marriage Easier, is a joyful summons to love and like your spouse forever. With humor, biblical wisdom, and practical insight, she helps couples overcome common struggles like communication breakdowns, parenting stress, and lack of intimacy while rediscovering the joy of marriage. Well, hello, Arlene, and welcome back to the Love Offering podcast.
Arlene Pellicane (01:07.002)
It’s so much fun to be with you, Rachel. Thanks for having me.
Rachael Adams (01:10.727)
So I am just really. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, and I think that one of the things I’m learning is that marriage is not easy.
Arlene Pellicane (01:20.726)
Right. It is not called making marriage easy because that would be a lie in advertising, but it is how to make it easier.
Rachael Adams (01:29.879)
easier, but it is worth it. I have learned that anything hard is worth it. So your book is called Making Marriage Easier, and so many couples feel like marriage is anything but easy. So, tell us what inspired you to write your new book.
Arlene Pellicane (01:46.656)
Yeah, if we wake up with the question or we’re the thought running through our head, right? This is so hard. This is hard. And you’re just like in this loop, so why is this such a struggle? But what if we flipped this around and just asked our question, ” well, what are my choices here? How could I make this easier? And then I think a lot of the things that we find hard are because we don’t feel connected. We don’t feel, you know, like seen and understood. We’ve stopped having fun together. It’s all like work.
And all of these things can be remedied. So it’s kind of super hopeful. So the same way that, okay, if you thought to yourself, I’m going to get healthy and I’m going to go to the gym, you know, just the thought is not going to help you because you’re going to wake up in the morning and be like, I don’t want to go. And you’re not going to go. But if you’re like, I’ve got to go to this class. Like I go to a spin class that I have an appointment for that I have paid for, and I go with my mother.
Arlene Pellicane (02:43.084)
And we have gone for the past 20 years and you will find out how my husband is the one, the reason why you can read about that in the book, but I have an appointment. I can’t believe that my instructor, who is now my friend, would kill me. I’ve got my clothes, you know, laid out. It is not an option, and it has just made exercising easy because I don’t have to think about it. I have to go. And so what the book is trying to do, making marriage easier is like, okay, what are these rhythms in your marriage that you don’t have to think about, but you do them. And if you do them, it’ll make your marriage much easier.
Rachael Adams (03:16.637)
I’m so intrigued, as I’m sure everybody is, but we’re going to take a brief break to hear a word from today’s sponsor. When we come back, we’re going to discuss why so many people today are pessimistic about marriage and how we can change that perspective.
Rachael Adams (03:33.093)
Welcome back. We’re talking with Arlene Pelican about her new book, Making Marriage Easier. So, Arlene, many people are pessimistic about marriage. So why do you think that is, and how does your book challenge this perspective?
Arlene Pellicane (03:47.424)
Yeah, you think about either young people when they’re scrolling through their social media feeds, 20-somethings, 30-somethings, they’re not seeing things like, look, this man is on his knee and he’s proposing to this girl. Or you’re not seeing like diamond advertisements or babies everywhere with smiling, you know, moms and dads around them. You so what are they seeing? They’re seeing that to be free, you should be alone and have a career. So I think on the front end.
We do not see marriage as a good thing. And then for those who have been married for a while, like the empty nesters, they’re seeing, like, wait a minute, why are so many of my friends divorcing? We’re seeing the graying of divorce where, maybe 30 years ago, maybe 7 % of divorces were over 50 years old and up, but now it’s maybe 37 % of divorces are aged 50 and up.
So we’re seeing like, wait a minute, at the front end and the back end, there is a problem. And then in the middle, there’s that messy middle of the child raising years, and marriage is just kind of way in the back seat, and the kids are the ones in the front seat. So we need this whole marriage reset. Like there’s a movement called National Marriage Week, it’s every February 7th to 14th. And that’s all about it. I work for them, and that’s all about shifting the culture to say, a minute, marriage is good. And the church and all of us need also to realize, wait a minute, this is God’s first relationship that he created. What was it? It wasn’t a mother and a son. It wasn’t two besties. It wasn’t a boss and an employee. It was a husband and wife. So you could see and understand, you know, why this relationship is so under attack. It’s like God’s first best relationship that he made. Doesn’t mean that singles are second-class citizens, not at all, but it means that marriage is part of God’s plan. Having children is part of God’s plan. So all that to say, we can be very pessimistic. Maybe our parents broke up and we think this is not worth it. It’s just so much hurt. You see like bad, it’s interesting because you see like someone being, let’s say, verbally abusive to their wife. And then you say, all men are like this. Well, no, that was just like maybe one man and 99 men are really amazing and kind to their wives. So I think we’re too quick to point to each other and say, ” you’re the problem, you’re the problem. And instead of saying, okay, wait a minute, this is something beautiful to be guarded.
Rachael Adams (06:14.813)
Hmm. So you’ve been married 25 years. So, oh my gosh. So I’d love just to hear your marriage story. Like, how did you all meet? How did he propose?
Arlene Pellicane (06:18.382)
Yes, 26 by this interview, yes.
Arlene Pellicane (06:25.515)
Yes! My goodness. So I was that girl who was like, Lord, please, please, please. Can I be married? Please, please, please. Like from high school on, right? High school went by, and nothing happened. College went by, boyfriend but no marriage. Worked for four years. I’m just like, where is he, Lord? So graduate school, we both were going to graduate school, but different disciplines. So we never saw each other in school, but we saw each other in two places. One was at a convalescent home. There was an outreach to the convalescent home, or you could meet with the residents and talk with them and read to them. So my husband was talking, like, and everyone was, like, asleep in the little community center, and he was, like, sharing. And I was like, I love him. So we liked to joke like he had me at Jell-O, you know, then I was like, let’s get old together. The second place I saw him was Toastmasters, a public speaking club. So you would go at lunchtime, practice your speeches, and that’s how we got to know each other. So we got married and that was very dreamy. Was that we got jobs in different places. So I was living in Virginia Beach. He was living in Dallas. So we would visit each other once a month while we were engaged. We were engaged for six months. So every month, you know, you go, so one month, forgive me. You’re asking about how we propose. So this is how it happened. He flew to Virginia, and at four o’clock in the morning, I heard this tick, tick, tick, like on my window. And my mom had been acting really weird the night before. I was a graduate student. I lived with my parents and she said, you should open the window. It’s hot this evening. And I’m like, why would I open the window? I never opened the window. So that’s why, because tick, tick, tick. So there he is, four o’clock in the morning, standing by his car with a guitar, singing, I will be here by Steven Khrushchev. So then he took me to the beach, and his sister was all involved. We were walking, and there were all these lights, kind of like candlelights or something, and he was walking towards it. And I was like, we shouldn’t walk towards that. And this is so us, like he’s more adventurous. And I think we’re breaking a rule. And I’m like, I think that’s somebody else’s stuff. And he’s like, you’re so weird. Just keep walking. So we walk, and it’s his stuff, of course. And he had made this like candlelight thing. But what was so funny was he had not proposed, but it’s like I opened a basket and it was like, congratulations husband and wife. There were all these clues everywhere. And then in the car, honest. This is not in the books. You’re getting the scoop in the car. He says, My goodness. And you wouldn’t believe it. They bumped me up to first class because I told them I would propose. Like he said that in the car. And I was like, no, like I did not hear that. Like, you have to do it the real way, so it was just a comedy of errors. And that is so like our marriage is very like, he is hilarious and I laugh very easily. So, it is match made in heaven. I’m a rules follower. He is a free spirit. Like, why is that there? That rule makes no sense. So many times, right, we are married to a different person, and we loved it when we were dating. And that’s part of liking your spouse for life: appreciating it, finding the humor in it, and still doing it.
Rachael Adams (09:37.863)
I want you to finish your story. After six months of engagement and traveling back and forth, just finish that part of your story.
Arlene Pellicane (09:41.142)
Yes. Yep. Yes. So it was just like everything I wanted happened. Right. And it’s like God gives you the desires of your heart. He gave you the spouse in the first place, and you wanted this spouse so badly, and he gave the spouse to you. And I think what’s so important is to keep remembering like, yeah, that’s wonderful. I like one of my principles in the book, Making Marriage Easier, which is giving thanks daily. Give thanks every day. God, thank you for my spouse. We might be going through a hard time, or he might be driving me crazy, but thank you for my spouse. Thank you for bringing him to me. Thank you that you are God, just with that grateful spirit.
Because believe me, when we stood at that wedding, man, and I will tell you, at my wedding, the girl doing my hair, she has Southern accent, she’s Arlene, something happens wrong every time in marriage, something’s gonna happen and, you just say, it’s okay, it’s just my day. And the wrong thing that happened in my marriage, Rachel, was who was marrying us was a divinity professor of James’s. And this was only his second wedding, right? So he’s just not; he’s a wonderful man, but he never did weddings. So when there was a break in the music that my aunt was playing the piano, the music stopped, and he thought it was his cue to start. So he was like, dearly beloved. We were gathered here, and I was still in the lobby. So, like, I had not walked out yet. So he started the whole wedding and got to the point who gives this woman to this man in a holy matrimony. And then he looked up from his notes, and it was only James and the groomsmen. And he was like, my, my. Then the music started, and everyone pushed the women out. I came down the aisle, and he recovered flawlessly. Was like, well, now we’re ready to start. It was like, people were so funny because they weren’t sure if this was super hilarious or super mortifying. So people were like, know, but it’s one of my favorite stories. So show up to your wedding. That’s important.
Rachael Adams (11:46.141)
That is so good. Honestly, I feel your love story could be a Hallmark movie we must watch. So that’s the beginning, though, but it’s not been all Hallmark, right?
Arlene Pellicane (11:51.98)
That’s funny. Yeah. My word. Then, you fast forward to the year, whatever year, let’s see, year 24. We’re on a mountain. So my husband loves backpacking, right? His idea is to sleep in the wild. This will be so fun. Mine is like, could we please be at the hotel, sleep, have a toilet, and then hike all day? So that’d be my thing. So here we are. We are hiking kind of near Yosemite. It’s day two; it’s so hard. You know, have a 30-pound pack on your back. It’s uphill, it’s downhill, it’s all these little rocks. Your legs are just killing you. You’re tired of squatting to go to the bathroom. It is just hard. And I honestly thought, Rachel, if I could be, if I could pay someone $5,000 because you have to make it to the end, right? Like you have to, like you don’t have a choice.
Rachael Adams (12:47.805)
You gotta survive.
Arlene Pellicane (12:49.154)
For example, if I could pay someone $5,000 to airlift me out of this place, I think I would, you know? And that is like in marriage sometimes, for James and I, there are moments where it’s like, wow, this is super hard. And I love this analogy of the trail because you have to finish it. You can’t just be like, well, I’ll tap out here. You can’t. You have no choice. And honestly, before God, when you make that vow, that’s what makes marriage easier is when you realize there is no tapping out. Like, we must finish this loop. And once you have decided, there’s no other option here. We must finish this loop. How do we figure out how to make this trail more manageable and beautiful? Because even on that trip, there’s, let’s say, 25 % that were hard and dreadful. Still, I will readily admit there was 75 % that was amazing and beautiful and victorious, and when you’re with your husband and three children in the middle of nowhere on a mountain, looking at a lake surrounded by mountains with no one around you but yourselves, that’s pretty special. So, marriage is special. It fills your life with just these fantastic gifts that many people don’t receive, and the journey is worth it. And that’s what I want people to remember.
Rachael Adams (14:07.651)
Absolutely. We will take another brief break to hear a word from today’s sponsor. And when we come back, we will discuss maybe the biggest lessons that Arlene has learned about building a strong and joyful marriage.
Rachael Adams (14:23.933)
So, Arlene, you are back. Would you share? You’ve already shared some really great ones, so I don’t know if there’s another one. What is one of the biggest lessons that you think you have learned about building a strong and joyful marriage?
Arlene Pellicane (14:38.612)
It comes to decision number three in my book, Serve Your Spouse. And it is this idea that what will you do for me instead of waiting around? I just did three things for you. You do nothing for me. You become bitter, resentful, and not very fun to live with quickly. And that’s what the world tells us. He’s not making you happy anymore. He doesn’t do as much work as you do. He’s not good for you. And instead, to think, wait a minute, how does Jesus present himself to us? He introduces himself as a servant, like the giants in the Old Testament. You know, you’re looking at David, my servant, Moses, my servant, Joshua, my servant. He doesn’t call them servants, like the evil kings of Israel or even some of the other good kings of Judah. If you’re a servant, it’s amazing.
Like you’re close to God. So in our marriages, what will you do for me if we can go instead of saying? Instead, say, Well, you know what, what can I do for you today? And again, I’m not talking about laying yourself down to abuse and allowing yourself to be all taken advantage of. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being considerate and saying, What can I do for you? So one of the big lessons I’ve learned is, you know what, if you like it, I’ll try it. Because, as you can tell, my husband is a lot more adventurous than I am. So the attitude of like, you know, if this is a, if you think this is a good idea, I’ll try it. Whether it’s something, a decision about the kids, whether it’s about where we should go for vacation, whether it’s like we’re learning ballroom dancing right now. And if you like it, I’ll try it. So this attitude of I will serve you in this way, I will be adaptable in this way, and being responsive to your spouse, if you hear them say something, instead of being so defensive, like, oh, how can you say that? You know, I’m a great wife. Whatever. Listen and respond. If you can’t respond well at that moment, ask God. Like, God help me. So many times, those like little quick prayers in the bathroom, like Jesus, help me to have your point of view. Help me hear this and soften my heart. And that helps so much.
Rachael Adams (16:44.957)
think communication is often one of the biggest struggles in marriage. So what common communication pitfalls do we fall into, and how can we improve in this area?
Arlene Pellicane (16:55.99)
Yeah, we think we’re good listeners. We think I’m the good listener and you’re the terrible listener. That’s what I thought. But there are listening styles. I discuss these more in-depth in the book, but it’s like the interrupter. That’s what I am. That’s the assumptive listener, who is like, I know what you’ll say. So, I’m going to tell it first. So my husband will be like, so I’ve decided to go to this men’s retreat because so-and-so was going, right? No. Because the speaker is so-and-so. No, would you like to try again? You know, so that’s the running joke. It’s like, no, would you like to try again? So would you like me to answer, or do you want to answer for me? So we think we’re doing it because we’re so like with you on the same page, but we need to learn to be quiet and let the other person speak. Then, we have the fixer listener. Like, you know, I’m going to listen, but all I’m doing is trying to give you a solution. And sometimes you need that. And so, if that’s the case, I need a solution. But most of the time, it’s like, I need you to listen. And when you give me the solution, I feel like you haven’t heard me because you have not gone down to despair with me and said, Wow, that’s hard. And then there’s the celebrity listener that we make it all about us. So instead of listening to our spouse, all we’re doing is listening enough so that we can talk about our stuff. So it’s like, okay, are you done? Good, because now it’s time for the spotlight to be on me, baby.
Arlene Pellicane (18:17.326)
So it is this attitude of really wanting to listen to you. I want to be curious. I will ask follow-up questions. Heather Holloman’s fantastic book, The Six Conversations, will help you have better conversations with your spouse. So instead of asking just like, how was your day? You know, which kind of puts us to sleep because we know, okay, every day, fine. So it’s like, whoa, that was a real page-turner. But she’ll help you ask better questions like who did you talk to at lunch today? You know, did that work? What work project are you excited about? Anything weird or makes you angry today, or you know, so she helps you have those better conversations because you’ll connect more and feel more connected to your spouse.
Rachael Adams (19:00.509)
Hmm. Yeah. And I know we’re talking about marriage, but as you’re talking and thinking, that helps in every relationship. With our children and yes, yes. Well, on that note, on the parenting note, I think parenting stress and busyness can put a strain on the marriage. You know, you talked about that. When right now I’ve got two teenagers in our focus, we don’t always want it to, you know, it should be God, our spouse, and then our children, but often our children creep up in the priority list because they do have more needs or we think they have more needs. How can couples stay connected and prioritize their relationship while raising children?
Arlene Pellicane (19:34.347)
Yes! It’s a mindset; you’re right because it’s so easy. You know, I’ve got two in college. Lucy is in high school; everything can go towards her because she’s adorable. I don’t know what she’s going to leave. I go, so one, you have to remember, wait a minute, my kids will grow up. They will make their own family someday, God willing. And I will become extended family. Right. So realize that if you’re like, catering, over catering, over smothering your child, be like, wait a minute, someday they’re going to be like That’s my mother-in-law, like their wife will and will become extended family. So instead, realize, wait, it’s my spouse that I need to be comfortable with. If I have good news, let it be my spouse that I want to tell first, not my children. And believe me, that takes an adjustment. I like to think it through and wait a minute; my spouse is the most important person. If you’re going on a date night, make sure you’re taking it, and don’t let the excuse be that your kids don’t like it. Like when we leave, It doesn’t matter if they like it. They have a safe babysitter, but it doesn’t matter. Like, you need to go out. So, prioritize that when you have all these activities, right? Flooding into your home before you say yes to, you know, football, soccer, volleyball, violin, ballet, whatever, before you say yes, ask the question between each other. What’s, how’s this going to impact our marriage? How’s this going to impact our energy level? Are we never going to see each other because we have all these activities?
Maybe you need to decide to have fewer activities to protect the marriage. Because if your kids leave and they have all these activities in their life, but you divorced because you didn’t like your spouse anymore, they’re going to be like, we really didn’t need that violin lesson. You guys should have stayed together. So, prioritize that and think the same things you would do for your kids. Would you do it for your spouse? For example, I will gladly sit in a car for my daughter, so I must bring her to practice. It’s not worth it for me to leave and come back. So I’m like, you know what? I’ll bring a book. I’ll go to the park. I’ll wait two hours and pick you up no problem, right? And I really, it’s like, no problem. But if my husband said, Honey, we’re down to one car today. Could you bring me to this place, wait for two hours and take me home? I’d be like, you could take an Uber. I’m not gonna wait for you for two hours, buddy. So just that lens, would I do the same things for my spouse as my kids, be honest with yourself, and decide, wait a minute, I am going to prioritize my spouse? I’m going to treat them in the same way. So, Who do you treat the best in your life if you’re asked? Ouch. It’s like, my word, my children for sure. So then like, okay, I’ve got to make those little daily changes, the kiss, the nice gesture, the, you know, looking in your eyes again loving, you all those things so that you could say with confidence, I treat my spouse the best. And believe me, this is a work in progress. I’m working on this myself.
Rachael Adams (22:36.017)
I’m feeling a little bit convicted, and my husband’s going to thank you. I’m thinking, Arlene, where were you 20 years ago? But you’re here now, and I’m grateful. You mentioned the kiss, and intimacy is another area that many couples struggle with. So why do you think this is such a common challenge, and how can couples reignite their physical and emotional passion?
Arlene Pellicane (22:41.826)
Yeah, totally. I’m here now. Yes, it is huge because it can be the elephant in the room. Like, we do not want to talk about this. We’re so busy. I remember a counselor I interviewed from a book years ago, and it was so helpful. He said, Married people who have children don’t schedule sex, do not have sex. And so it helped me understand that it’s okay to plan this. It’s OK to look at your calendar and say, How can we make time for this? Because it’s important.
And I think as women, we cannot discount this, and that’s not that important. Let’s not do that very much because we have many more important things to do. There is a reason, and you can ask God about it when you get to heaven. You know, there’s a reason, but men are wired to need this physical intimacy typically more than women. It’s not always this way, but what helped me, and it’ll go more in-depth and make marriage easier, were the ideas I got from Shanti Feldhahn about receptive desire and initiating desire because it’s typical, again, not always. Still, the man says, Okay, baby, let’s go. And the woman’s like, could we do something else? So to recognize, okay, most men have initiating desire. They want it, they wanna start it, let’s do this thing. Women are not necessarily like that. They’re more receptive that, you know, I wasn’t planning on this, but okay, we’re gonna do this. And you know, I will receive this. So when the woman realizes it’s okay to be like, okay, you know, yes, I’m going to shift into this gear. I know this is good. Let’s do it. And when the man realizes, okay, I won’t be hurt that she’s not always wanting me. Right. And it’s like both. It’s for us women to be like, my man wants to be wanted. I need to ask God to help me desire him physically because that’s his love language. I always remember what my friend Sharon Jane said that if a man came to bring a woman flowers and was like, here are your flowers.
I read that you like these, so I brought them for you because I love you, and here they are.” You’d be like, you can take your flowers, and you can take them back, right? So the same way when a woman is like, I know we need the sex and I know we’re busy and we’ve got time now so just take my body, I am yours. The husband’s like, wow, this is a lot of fun. So that helped me see that is the act of love, to decide that I will be warm, receptive, and loving towards my husband. And it is essential. And you know, people are gonna ask, so I’m gonna throw this out. How often should we do this? So Shanti felt on what they found was the average was that people, married people were having sex four times every three weeks. So, a little bit more than once a week. So it gives you that gauge. And she was saying, this isn’t like ideal, but it’s what is average. So it’s a good start to a talking point with your spouse. For example, you think you’re so far apart, but usually, you’re not as far apart as you think. Maybe one wants five times and one wants three times, and it’s not so far apart as you feel, but just the ability to talk about it. Like they say that if you have a relationship that is safe enough, open enough, open enough that you can talk about this, like, Hey, let’s talk about our sex life. What’s going right? How can we make it better? We’re both in a really busy season of life. How can we prioritize this? If you can even have that conversation, you’re 94 % more likely to be very satisfied in your sexual life just because you can talk about it. So start there. If it’s a weird subject, start by talking about it.
Rachael Adams (26:36.709)
Yeah, it goes back to communication, like we talked about earlier, and I’m just thinking about it. The physical connection, I believe, leads to that emotional connection for so many of us women. And so you talk about these small daily choices that can transform our marriages. So maybe share a straightforward habit with us that can make a big impact.
Arlene Pellicane (27:03.214)
Yeah. You know, I think of those kinds of rituals you do without even thinking of it. So at the end of the night, I will like to tickle my husband’s feet because he likes that. And so it’s just this very small gesture, but it’s a nice point of connection and relaxing for him. And then I’m usually talking while we’re doing it. So it’s like, I get my words, and then he gets his physical touch. Having these little rhythms. At the end of the night, make sure you’re not just staring at your phone and then just saying good night, but instead have some connection that you are like, you know, you’re there together. I think that’s sweet. The power hour is huge. I write about it in the book in depth, but the power hour is basically that you eat together every day, like regularly. So it’s not like, my word, my spouse isn’t here, and I’m starving. I can’t have a second. It’s not like that. And it’s not like I’m out of town. What do I know? So when you are in town together and not working a weird shift, you will always have a meal together, and it’s the norm so that it feels more weird like, this is so strange. I’m eating dinner. I’m alone. Like, this is so weird. That’s what should feel weird. It shouldn’t be like, wow, our whole family is around the table. Is it Christmas? Right? So it is that family meal, if you have children, if your kids aren’t in the house, the husband and wife eating together daily. That is what provides a connection. If your schedule doesn’t allow for dinner, it is coffee in the morning, but something else because we are all hungry. So that’s your cue. Like, let’s get together. And when you break bread together, when you fellowship together, guess what? You’re connecting. You miss that for a few days, and then you feel disconnected. Like, I haven’t talked to you very much. So it is that daily power hour that if you could get down, we eat together daily without screens. We talk to each other; we listen to each other. That will shift your marriage and family if you’re not doing it. Start there.
Rachael Adams (29:06.971)
Yeah, it’s an hour. It’s something simple. You’re already eating. And you’re right. You’ve mentioned putting the screens down. And I think that is something that we all can do better at as well. So yeah.
Arlene Pellicane (29:18.082)
Yeah. Think of it like a person. For example, you would never have a third person at your table, on a date, or walking with you. Like, who’s this person walking with me? But your phone—you just have to have a little glare eye on it, like, hey, get back in your place, man. Don’t become the third person because it can interrupt our relationships. It’s a third wheel. It is a third rectangle.
Rachael Adams (29:36.189)
It’s the third wheel. Yeah. Yeah. So, for the woman who is struggling in her marriage right now, she’s in a tough place. Um, and it maybe feels even too far gone. How would you encourage her today?
Arlene Pellicane (29:52.195)
Yeah, God is a God of miracles. So call on him. Have good, encouraging counsel. Don’t hang out with people who say you should pitch it. Like, give up. He’s awful. Like, no, those are not the kind of friends you want. You’re looking for friends who are. Wow, that’s tough. That’s hard. I’m going to pray for you, and we lift you. Hey, how can we? And start making a list, you know, of the kind of person, be with the type of person that would say, hey, why don’t you keep a list of one thing you’re thankful for every day about your spouse. And then a week from now, why don’t you tell me what’s on that list? Right? And you start making this list. Well, he got out of bed and went to work. Awesome. A lot of people don’t do that. He like, let’s think here. He has good taste in clothes. Wonderful. Right? So, look for the things in your spouse that are good. And as you start looking for them, you start thinking and praising God, right? Praise God. Like, Praise Him and wherever you, whatever area you’re praising Him in, you’re enthroning God in that area. So, start praising God for your marriage. Praise you for this challenging season. I praise you, God, for this difficult season because you will show strength in it. I praise you for this hardness because it lets me rely on you. I praise you for going to do a miracle and start praising God. Or if you can’t say those words yet because you don’t believe them, then I praise you because you made heaven and earth. I praise you because you’re gonna come back again. I praise You because You loved us enough to come as a baby. Start praising him; those things will lift because God will help you.
Rachael Adams (31:31.783)
Yeah, absolutely. Well, I always ask if, at the end of each conversation, there is a biblical concept of love that you think applies to this topic.
Arlene Pellicane (31:43.2)
Yeah, you I think of love, you know how it says love your neighbor as yourself, right? So we’re supposed to look at the neighbors around us and treat them the way we would want to be treated. So I think, okay, your nearest neighbor is your spouse, is your super, so love your neighbor as yourself. And the one point that the Lord’s been telling me about this is to respond to your husband. So, for instance, that’s how you want to be loved. I want to be loved. If I say something, I do not want a blank stare. I don’t want to inaction if asked to do something; I like action. I’m asking for something.
So, in the same way, when your spouse asks for something, do it. Like try to be hasty and do it as fast as you can. I took a picture off the wall because I had to change something. And then I just left it off because I never got around to putting it back on, and like three days have gone by, and I keep thinking like I need to put that back, but I didn’t do it. So this morning, my husband was like, hey, could you put that picture back on the wall? And thinking of this love your neighbor as yourself. So I was like, I better do that. Right after my breakfast, I went, and I finally did. Of course, I wanted to do that. It’s just that I needed a little push to do it. So when you think of your spouse, when they ask you things, instead of being like, what are you asking me to do? Right, like I don’t wanna do that.
Arlene Pellicane (33:04.482)
Be like, okay, love your neighbor as yourself. I would want a response. I wouldn’t want apathy or inaction. I’d want a response. So, respond to your spouse when they ask you for something, and love your spouse as you would love yourself as a neighbor.
Rachael Adams (33:20.701)
Do unto others as you would want them to do to you—the golden rule. So tell us something you are loving right now.
Arlene Pellicane (33:23.414)
That’s right. Okay, as I mentioned, I have two kids in college and one in high school. So we are watching Little House on the Prairie, my husband, my daughter, and myself. My husband never watched Little House on the Prairie growing up, and I loved it. So, out of my three kids, my daughter would like to be at home. So we have season one from the library, and as you can imagine, there are so many seasons of The Lost on the Burk, so we have a long way to go. We usually watch one episode a week, and it is like this really fun, cozy, Sunday night little thing we do. And I love it. Love, love, love it.
Rachael Adams (34:13.775)
I don’t know whose idea it was, but everybody else is responding to it. They’re open to trying new things,
Arlene Pellicane (34:19.392)
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That’s right. That was me. I was the one that started that one. That’s why I’m loving it.
Rachael Adams (34:27.569)
Yes, right. So, I know I want to stay connected with you. I’m sure listeners will want to purchase your new book, Making Marriage Easier. So let us know how we can do that.
Arlene Pellicane (34:39.798)
Yeah, Making Marriage Easier. Of course, you can find it on Amazon or wherever you get books. And then, at makingmarriageeasier.com, you can find free date night ideas, even if you only have 15 minutes. There are all sorts of freebies there for you. I also have the Happy Home Podcast, which you can listen to. There’s the chapter one, like the audiobook sample at Happy Home Podcast.
Rachael Adams (35:03.823)
Awesome. We will include those in the show notes, but would you please pray for us as we close today?
Arlene Pellicane (35:07.776)
Yeah. Lord, we thank you, for you are lifted up. Your ways are higher than our ways. You know us better than anyone knows us. And you know what’s happening in our homes right now. And we ask for your intervention. Lord, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And we just ask the Lord to increase the fear and awe of you in our home and our marriage relationship. Bring healing where there needs to be healing; bring reconciliation. Help, Lord, things that are hard to discuss, to give us grace to bring them up with our spouses. We pray for every marriage under my voice that these marriages would thrive. They would come alive again. They would be strong. These spouses would find new ways to show love, enjoy, and have fun together. Bless them. Bless their children, Lord. And we ask for your help in our homes today. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Rachael Adams (36:00.989)
Amen. Arlene, before we hit record, you mentioned that men and women liked this book. I’m just thinking, you know, because I have a copy of your book and, you know, if my husband sees it, and he’s like, wait a minute, you think our marriage is hard? Do you know? Like that? I think this is something you could do together. And I just wanted to share that as people are thinking about purchasing this book or giving it as a gift to someone.
Rachael Adams (36:30.109)
The enemy wants to attack our families, which is so important and invaluable. I applaud you for approaching the subject and thank you for being here today.
Arlene Pellicane (36:39.714)
Thank you so much, Rachel.
Rachael Adams (36:42.161)
And thank everyone for listening today. I appreciate you tuning in. Friends, if this conversation has encouraged you, I’d love for you to share it with someone who needs to hear it. Let’s continue to invest in our marriages and trust God’s plan for them. We appreciate you listening today, and I hope it inspired you to love God, others, and even yourself a little bit more. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and leave a review. It helps others find the show and spreads the message of love even further. To connect with me, visit my website, rachellekay Adams dot com. While you’re there, download the Love Offering Calendar, a free resource filled with simple daily ways to love those around you. Don’t forget to pick up a copy of Everyday Prayers for Love and Arlene’s book, Making Marriage Easier. They are available wherever books are sold, and we pray they are meaningful resources for your faith journey. A special thank you to Life Audio for supporting this podcast and making it possible. To find more great podcasts, visit LifeAudio.com. Thanks again for joining us today. Until next time, let’s make our lives an offering of love.
*Transcript is AI generated.
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