I sat shocked, replaying the disturbing video of a swimming pool in Israel suddenly disappearing into the ground. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen this science-fiction-film vibe: houses and cars sucked into the earth while everything around them remains untouched. Turns out, these sinkholes are a fairly common occurrence worldwide. In the U.S., about 20% of the land is susceptible to these strange vortexes.
My eyes opened up and immediately I awoke to a new decade. I felt the cloak of grief immediately invite itself to my side. Would I pick it up? Would I grieve that I would not be able to celebrate this fourth decade of my life in the way I imagined?
Have you ever been asked how you’re doing, and your reply is a quick “I’m fine” when you’re anything but “fine”? This was my song and dance for the better part of my adult life. I could do it all, be it all, help everyone, and please everybody. I was never tired, frustrated, worried, scared, or lonely…except I was… I just didn’t let myself feel those feelings; I didn’t acknowledge my emotions, much less express them. I was self-sufficient and running full speed ahead…. straight for a crash course.
A few days before my 27th birthday I chose to take a leap of faith and move away from my family. I moved from Illinois to Arizona with no car, just two suitcases, and no friends or family. I was so scared, but at the same time finally felt like it was time. I had moved a few times before but always came back. I have been guilty many times of avoiding or backtracking when anything was out of my comfort zone. Moving away from my family was definitely out of my comfort zone.
One of the areas I struggled in after becoming a believer during my mid-twenties was in understanding what my spiritual gifts were. I had married a worship pastor at our local church, and it seemed so evident what his gifts were, which was simultaneously wonderful but also depressing as it made me feel even more inadequate. I loved Jesus and desperately wanted to serve Him, but for a long time, I just wasn’t sure how to go about it.