“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4 (ESV)
This verse is often said to people waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life, particularly single women who “desire” to be married or become mothers.
As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to motherhood. Alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not fulfilled.
I had to wrestle with this verse to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s interpretation of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness.
From this experience, I learned that sometimes others can unintentionally cause me to doubt God’s faithfulness by growing hope where God may not intend for it to grow. They promised me what God has not promised. We do not have the authority or the liberty to take God’s Word out of context, even if we are trying to comfort or encourage someone. This principle is one of great importance in my life and understanding of my singleness.
Trust God’s Goodness
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel like an admonishment.
- If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying our circumstances or dissatisfaction in our singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets us up to think that God is holding out on us until we believe more or better. One person’s faith does not manifest a two-person union.
- God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just isn’t ready yet.
No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that singles need to reach some level of spiritual readiness before marriage may cause us to be hard on ourselves or believe that God is being hard on us. It also wrongly implies that all married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.
- You are never really alone.
There are times when single people will walk alone. A while back, I drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I’m so thankful for His Word, His Spirit, worship music, and friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ.
- As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate.
God’s goodness and blessing are not dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.
Don’t Assume
As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, I’ve had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30-64) are single.
Our responses to being unmarried vary greatly. However, the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly. Especially in our local churches, where a heartfelt focus is placed on marriage and families, those outside of this churchgoer norm can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single people.
Are they broken in some way? Have they gone through a tragedy?
The truth is probably yes. We all have brokenness in our lives. We all have gone through hard things.
As you walk through your own singleness or walk with other singles, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:
Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.
Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.
Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”
Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution and make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.
Align with God’s Priorities
I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me—to follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, and so on—that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me.
So far, that has not led to a husband or children, but my contentment comes from knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment doesn’t always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. But the fulfillment I have in knowing I am exactly where God has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy.
{If you enjoyed today’s blog post, you might also like this episode of The Love Offering podcast, where Rachael talks with Rebecca George about her book You’re Not Too Late, and the topics of trusting God’s timing as a single Christian, embracing the present season, and discovering contentment and purpose even when your deepest desire remain unmet. You can listen to the episode here.}
About the Author:
Haley Scully, MA, is an experienced and relatable conference speaker, author, and trainer who has been with Hope for the Heart since 2011. Currently serving as the Senior Vice President of Ministry Operations, she began her journey within the organization by working in onsite counseling programs before transitioning to international ministry, where she has provided training in over 35 countries. In her role, Haley oversees various initiatives, fosters partnerships, coordinates resources, and delivers fundamental counseling, coaching, and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations globally. Additionally, she co-hosts the acclaimed podcast, Hope Talks, where she shares practical insights on discovering hope amidst everyday challenges. Haley holds a degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. She is deeply passionate about connecting those in distress with hope in Christ and applying God’s Word to their daily lives.
