“I was blessed by much of what the panelists shared, but none of them addressed my biggest challenge. What I struggle with most is: Why? Why did my husband have to die?”
Kai, a student at an event where I was serving as a panelist sharing my grief journey, bravely expressed her anguish, her words heavy with emotion.
While my fellow panelists offered their perspectives, I felt her frustration rising. Their answers didn’t bring her solace. As a Bible teacher with a burning passion for serving those who’ve reached joy and deep satisfaction in certain aspects of their lives, only now to be shattered by pain and deep dissatisfaction in that very same area, I’ve encountered women like her time and time again. Kai’s marriage once provided profound fulfillment, but with that now gone, her life was marked by an enduring agony and deep sense of discontent.
As I listened to her words, I couldn’t help but empathize. A widow myself, I know the feeling of helplessness that accompanies the loss of a loved one. It’s a devastating blow that leaves us searching for answers, desperately pleading with God to make sense of the nonsensical. Observing Kai’s mounting frustration transported me back to the days of my grief and confusion following the unexpected and inexplicable passing of my husband in 2011. Despite the limited time remaining in the event, I felt compelled to offer her my perspective.
“Kai, I agree with everything my fellow panelists shared. Their theological perspectives are sound, but I’d like to propose a different approach. Rather than try to draw you away from your pain, I’m going to ask you to lean into it.
“You’re seeking answers to the question of why your husband had to die. I get it. I grappled with the same question.
“But as I poured out my heart to God, seeking an answer, I realized I already had answers. Through the people all around me, God had given me answers,” I explained. “Some people told me God would use this experience—and indeed he has. Others told me God had a plan—and indeed he does. All of these answers, like the ones you’ve heard tonight—because we gave you answers— were good answers. They just weren’t satisfying answers.”
The moderator nodded, so I continued: “So, I’m asking you to lean in because I think you’re suffering from the same situation. You keep asking why, not because you don’t have answers or even good answers. No, you keep asking why because you haven’t received satisfactory answers. None of the answers you’ve heard so far leave you satisfied.
“I wonder . . . what answer would satisfy you?” Kai tilted her head and nodded slightly. These words seemed to resonate, so I continued sharing my experience. “For me, satisfaction came through a different question. The morning after my husband’s death, I asked the Lord, ‘What now?’ I immediately sensed God tell me, ‘You honored your husband in life; now honor him in death.’”
Kai leaned forward. So did I, wanting to connect with this woman and encourage her in her time of grief, loss, pain, and confusion.
“As I pondered that answer,” I said, “I came to understand that my grief was a testament to the deep love I had for my husband. If my love for him hadn’t been so profound, my pain wouldn’t have been so intense. Since my grief was an expression of our love, not a sign of weakness or the end, it became a way for me to pay tribute to him. In essence, if I downplayed my grief, I’d be diminishing our love and failing to honor him.”
Kai looked down at her lap. I hoped she was processing this, reframing her grief, but I wasn’t sure.
“I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t willing to do that,” I admitted, taking a deep breath as I acknowledged the gravity of the situation. “Instead, I endured the pain, and eventually, I got through it. I healed.”
I hope I offered Kai some solace that day, as I hope for all the heartbroken people with whom I share my journey.
What I’ve come to realize—and what I invite them to discover—is that minimizing my grief after my husband’s death would’ve diminished our love. Recognizing that was pivotal for me. That’s what I needed to let go of my why questions. As you can gather from this personal account, my healing was a gradual process. And I’m not the only one.
In my years as a licensed minister at First Baptist Church of Glenarden International in Glenarden, Maryland, I’ve heard hundreds of stories of heartache, loss, and disappointment. These are real issues that affect real people every day. Every single one of them has needed strategies to navigate their sorrow and rebuild their lives once the grieving process subsided.
For years I provided spiritual support to others, but something was missing: a reliable process. Then one day, while I was studying the book of Genesis, it struck me that everything I needed—the strategy I’d been searching for—was already there. It was there all along, right from the beginning, woven into the very fabric of creation.
Yes, there in the creation story, the biblical account where God first created life, I discovered his strategy—God’s creative process for rebuilding a life. Applying this process to my own life brought about a profound and lasting transformation.
As I began sharing this strategy that had so profoundly impacted my journey, I quickly realized its universal relevance. Its application extended far beyond the realm of widowhood. It offered a pathway to healing, purpose, and fulfillment for anyone grappling with chaos and despair.
Since then I’ve had the privilege of imparting this strategy to numerous individuals through my ministry and workshops, witnessing first hand its power to bring healing and renewal to those in need. It’s a guiding light that leads us through the darkest of times, illuminating the path to a place of peace and restoration. The concepts we’re about to explore—emerging from grief, reimagining one’s life after a catastrophic event, and embarking on a transformative journey—are captured in this book.
Now, I extend this knowledge to you. At the heart of every why question beats a desire for healing and rebuilding—a yearning to find purpose and fulfillment once again. And that’s precisely what God’s creative process for rebuilding a life provides.
Whether you’re navigating the depths of grief, facing a shattered relationship, enduring a devastating career setback, or dealing with the loss of a cherished dream, I invite you to join me on this journey. Together, guided by God’s unwavering love and wisdom, we’ll traverse the complexities of rebuilding. Let’s tap into the power within God’s creative process to heal, rebuild, and find fulfillment. The answers we seek may not always come easily, but with faith and perseverance, we can create a life brimming with joy, peace, and purpose.
Taken from When Your World Ends by Dawn Mann Sanders. ©2024 by Dawn Mann Sanders.
Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com.
About the Author:
Dawn Sanders, an associate minister at First Baptist Church of Glenarden International, is a passionate Bible teacher and speaker. Her expertise lies in expository teaching and sharing the profound insights she has gained from God’s Word. In September 2024, InterVarsity Press will publish her highly anticipated first book, When Your World Ends. To connect with Dawn, go to https://dawnmannsanders.com/
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