“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
Culture emphasizes identity, self-improvement, and self-worth, particularly for women. The question “Who am I?” reflects a deep longing in everyone. When you visit clothing stores or beauty businesses, marketing messages often suggest you aren’t skinny enough, have too many wrinkles, or need specific products to feel valuable.
The truth is, no amount of money can bring the fulfillment that comes from knowing God. Your identity is defined not by your actions, but by who you are.
At a certain point in my life, I realized my true identity had been gradually chipped away. This became clear when my world fell apart. Recently, I was reminded of this during the media frenzy surrounding a kiss-cam scandal.
This incident involved the actions of two individuals and splattered them across national headlines and media channels, as society feasted on a buffet of memes, responses, replays, and unfolding drama. It’s not the first time a betrayal has been exposed in public, and it certainly won’t be the last.
As the story spread, I found myself thinking of those unseen on social media: the other spouses, children, and extended families. Even though my own experience of betrayal in my marriage wasn’t public, it felt as if the whole community knew. The humiliation isolated me, filling me with shame over what had happened in a marriage I once trusted.
I was fortunate to grow up in a Christian home, so I have been familiar with what the Bible says about me my entire life. However, it wasn’t until my late twenties, during the breakdown of my marriage, that I truly began to believe those truths. After doing the heartfelt work to dismantle the lies I had believed and clinging to God’s Word, I found that living freely in my identity came naturally. I couldn’t help but think about the families affected by this public scandal. Do they know Jesus and understand what He says is true about them?
For many years, I was afraid that people would see the emotional baggage behind my appearance. My experiences with betrayal, death, and brokenness distorted my self-image, making me question my worth. Trauma rewired my mind, leading me to adopt harmful identities and false beliefs that didn’t align with how God sees me.
During my first year of high school, I sat in history class when a girl threw a sweatshirt in my lap, demanding I change mine. We were both wearing the same shirt, and she didn’t want to associate with me. As a new student, I quickly realized she was a bully, so I changed my shirt.
That encounter made me feel insignificant. Negative interactions with friends led me to believe I was either too much or too little, making me hesitant to form new friendships. This belief carried over into my marriage, family dynamics, and workplace, where I often remained silent instead of standing up for myself or expressing my opinions, ignoring the Holy Spirit’s promptings to act with courage.
After my first child was born via C-section, I felt the weight of disappointment. I pushed for four hours, only to be told to stop while the doctor prepared for emergency surgery. I felt less of a woman for not giving birth “the natural way.” This feeling stemmed from my own harsh self-criticism and unmet expectations, which chipped away at my capacity for grace and filled my heart with doubt.
In my seventh year of marriage, I discovered my husband had a deleted email to another woman, which led him to confess his ten-year struggle with pornography and multiple affairs. The betrayal left me breathless, and I began to hear damaging thoughts: “You aren’t enough for him. Your body is the problem.” These lies buried me in doubt and insecurity, attacking my self-confidence.
I found myself trapped in a distorted perception of who I am, allowing my circumstances to shape my identity. I can only imagine the immediate and devastating effects this public ordeal on the kiss-cam had on everyone involved. Regardless of one’s beliefs, the enemy targets the lost, the ill, and those who are weak in spirit and strength. Are you aware of the areas where the enemy is preying on you?
Your pain point is where Jesus wants to redirect your misguided identity, turning lies into Truth.
Brokenness is a fundamental aspect of our world, evident in news headlines and local gossip that highlight failure. The rapid changes often disrupt family dynamics, making it hard to maintain a secure sense of self. I’ve realized that my true identity can only be found in Jesus Christ.
The painful and often secret aspects of our stories can distort our self-perception. I tend to be more critical of myself than I am of others, finding it easier to extend grace to them. It’s important to recognize the narratives we create about ourselves and where those beliefs come from.
The negative narratives that play in your mind must end and be replaced with truths about your true identity. It takes discipline to silence the lies that shape your life. Ultimately, the story you tell yourself influences your decisions in every relationship.
“Could it be any clearer that our former identity is now and forever deprived of its power? For we were co-crucified with him to dismantle the stronghold of sin within us, so that we would not continue to live one moment longer submitted to sin’s power. ” Romans 6:6, The Passion Translation
Sin is not merely suppressed by the cross; it is fully eliminated.
The betrayal in my marriage diminished my sense of beauty, and I felt I couldn’t compete with airbrushed images and Hollywood ideals. I realized I don’t need to be that exposed or sexy.
Understanding truth and lies has improved my self-belief. Knowing I’m accepted as a daughter of God is crucial to my healing.
You are not defined by your past mistakes or others’ choices. You are not just your reactions or grief, nor are you unworthy for choosing quick meals in a season of busy.
God wants a close relationship with you; He has a place for you at His table. Embrace His truth and know you belong to Him.
Where does your sense of self come from? Who is shaping your identity?
{If you enjoyed this blog post, you might also like this episode of The Love Offering Podcast, where Rachael chats with Amy Seiffert about how our identity as daughters of God has been contested. In a world that often distorts our worth, Amy shares stories of unsung women in the Bible and empowers us to embrace our God-given dignity, value, and calling. You can listen to the episode here.}
About the Author:
Stephanie is not unfamiliar with crushing disappointment. She is passionate about helping and coaching women to pursue Christ while chasing wholeness and healing after her marriage betrayal. What started as local coffee dates, Reclaimed Ministry has grown to have a global impact with brides who have walked a similar journey. Stephanie comes alongside women to provide resources and encouragement as they walk their betrayal journey. Her approachable and transparent style makes her a safe person to confide in.
Stephanie enjoys coaching and has led hundreds of Reclaimed Groups for over a decade. She is the author of Reclaimed: Finding Your Identity After Marital Betrayal and, a 12-week Biblically-centered curriculum helping women work through their infidelity. She is also a certified Life Coach, Sexual Addiction Recovery Coach, and Mental Health Coach, along with a SYMBIS Pre-marriage Facilitator. When she’s not writing content or meeting brides, Stephanie delights in being a wife, mother, auntie, and friend. Her therapy is gardening or taking a run through the PNW trails. Stephanie and her husband, Tim, of over 20 years, live in the Northwest pocket of Washington state with their four children. You can read more about Stephanie, follow her daily encouragement on Facebook and Instagram, and stay connected with Reclaimed Ministry at reclaimedministry.com.
