I got off the phone and felt as if there was a fist around my heart, squeezing its lifeblood. The hurt and discouragement were so palpable, making every breath painful. Finally, I understood why it’s called “heartache” because the pain was not just emotional, it was an actual ache in my chest, a hurt that made me weep from a place deep inside.
My kids are at an age where they are getting into squabbles with each other. Sometimes it is a big blatant transgression with a clear right and wrong. More often than not though, it’s a cycle of grievances perpetuated back and forth. Frequent complaints are name-calling and various degrees of “she’s touching me.” Another common theme is hoarding and stealing. They both love to stockpile things like special rocks or playing cards, whatever the current 4 and 5 year treasure is of the day. Then the hiding place gets discovered. The loot gets stolen to be re-hidden and we start over again. Neither child is innocent. It’s usually unclear how it started but it continues on, measure for measure until both are crying and upset. Open-mouth wailing. Breath-holding. Foot stomping.
Sometimes I wonder how well others see Jesus in me. When I’m going about my day, can they tell I’ve been with Him? Do they see Him in my smile? Do they hear Him in my tone? Is His presence recognizable in the choices I make, in the comments I leave, in the relationships I cultivate?
This past Valentine’s day, my seven-year-old was adamant about creating her own gifts for her classmates. She started two weeks in advance hand-crafting each small gift. Night after night, I watched her work with such intentionality and joy on her face. On each package was a drawing that depicted her classmate’s likes, hobbies, and/or favorite candy. I was astonished. At the end of her 2 week crafting session, she had 18 little thoughtful gifts—a box full of love.
With a husband and then a son who eat, sleep, and breathe sports, this book nerd girl quickly expanded her vocabulary to include all sorts of sports terminology. Like rebounds, buzzer beaters, first downs, birdies, dribbling (down the court and the field), and the still-baffling-to-me offside rule. But my favorite term by far is one that occurs more in backyard and pickup games than on any official playing field: the do-over.