From the ongoing healing process of childhood trauma, to the everyday challenges of living with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wondered if there was anything in me God could use. Anything at all that could encourage his body and build his kingdom.
I have had more than one conversation in the past few weeks with women who have openly admitted that they struggle to know what God is calling them to. Each of these women in one way or another confessed to me that they truly desired to know what God was calling them to. They have been seeking and searching desperately for it. If we are all honest with ourselves, most of us would say that these questions have crossed our minds more times than we could count. I think it’s human nature to want to know our purpose and our reason for existing.
I was so engulfed in my world that, at times, I felt like a spectator watching this unfold before me rather than an actual part of the event. All these “helpers” did not know what I was going through. They did not realize how broken I was. They saw a young mom of two trying to console her baby and keep her three-year-old entertained.
o you want to impact the world for Jesus—but your life feels more like a trainwreck than a billboard for God’s love. I used to feel this way, too, until one young girl changed everything.
Struggle and suffering had taken me under, and I was beyond tired of running on empty. My praying and trying only led to more disappointment and heartache. Finally, at the end of most days, I collapsed into bed with nothing else to give. It seemed as if my life was out of control, and I wanted to scream, “Enough, Lord.”