“Then the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’” John 11:36
When Jesus walked this earth, He showed us the best way to be human. He was the best of us. He is the best of us. One of the many things He demonstrated was how to be in community, the beauty of friendship. When his friends, two sisters, sent word to Jesus that their brother had died, Jesus came. Not exactly in the way they had hoped, but He came. And the sight of the sisters’ grief, His heart filled with his own, and Jesus let the tears flow. And when He did, those around him commented on this beautiful reality, that Jesus loved His friend Lazarus.
From the beginning of time, Jesus has existed in community with the Father and the Spirit. When Jesus walked this earth, He surrounded Himself with layers of community. He chose twelve men to be disciples and traveling companions; He chose three men to be His inner circle (Peter, James, and John); and He chose seventy-two people to be a larger group of ministry partners. Community and friendship were clearly a priority for Jesus on earth. It should be for us as well.
But for many modern women, friendship can seem hard and even elusive at times. Anxiety and loneliness are two of the most common dangers that people face today. In a world that is technologically advanced and ‘connected’, why do so many people feel alone and dissatisfied with their relationships? Many people come into professional counseling feeling alone in their struggles. Many cannot think of one person they would be comfortable calling in the middle of the night if they were hurting. It does not have to be this way.
What holds us back from the immense comfort of having close friends? Friendships are important, so how can we do better at enjoying this gift? Not just as something else to add to our to-do list (which is often what building community can feel like), but more as embracing the joys that are already before us.
Three Principles
Simplify & Prioritize
One of the main reasons modern women find friendships overwhelming or disappointing is that we are simply way too busy and overwhelmed in the first place. Modern women are under extraordinary pressure. Women feel pressure to be productive and make money, or at least have a side hustle. Women often take on the majority of the household chores and are caring for children and elderly parents. And with the rise of social media, women feel pressure to look attractive and up to date, be the perfect parent and wife, keep their home toxin-free; the list goes on and on.
If we want to enjoy the gift of friendship as modern women, we have to simplify. We have to let some things go. You cannot be everything for everyone. Practically, that means SAYING NO TO A LOT OF GOOD THINGS. And when it comes to friendship, you don’t need 100 friends. Three to five close friends are great. Maybe even less for some people. There is not enough light in the day to maintain close relationships with friends in other states from years ago or close connections to every mom in your child’s preschool class. Take the pressure off yourself to be a great friend to everyone and focus instead on really investing in a few people, particularly people who are in close proximity to your daily life, such as neighbors and coworkers.
Healthy Vulnerability
Healthy vulnerability is being honest about your emotions in the present moment with reasonably safe people, despite the risk of being perceived negatively. This is one of the most important principles for mental health. Trying to hide or stuff emotions or trying to keep up a façade in front of others is a recipe for anxiety and depression. But it’s so easy to do in our modern world! We fear being seen as weak, as needy, as not having enough faith. But authentic vulnerability and being real about our current struggles is what Gospel community is all about. Because none of us has it all together. No one.
On a practical level, when it comes to friendships, this means being honest with our friends about our struggles as well as our joys. It also means ASKING FOR AND RECEIVING HELP. This is key to going deeper with your friendships. If you just talk about your struggles but don’t ask for help, your friends might feel bad for you, but you’ll miss out on that deep connection. Consider this example: Let’s say it’s winter and your kids are sick for the millionth time. Talking about how hard life is right now is wonderful. But if you want to grow in a deeper community with your friends, ask them for help. It might sound something like this. “Hey, I’m really struggling right now. I have not slept well in days, and we need groceries badly. Friend, is there any way you could pick up a few things for me this afternoon? If not, I totally understand.” Expressing practical needs can be really hard for most modern Americans, but this is the way to a deeper connection. And of course, practice it the other way too. If you hear a friend is struggling, offer practical support (or just do it).
Thanking Your Friends
This is a very simple but extremely powerful principle. When you ask for and/or receive help, and then express your gratitude and how much that gesture meant to you, it will grow your relationship tenfold. Everyone likes to feel appreciated and needed. Don’t you? When you can serve someone in a meaningful way, it makes you feel like you belong, like your service matters. Give and receive help; give and receive thanks—this is the way to deep friendship that furthers the Kingdom of God.
{If you enjoyed this blog post, you might also like this episode of The Love Offering Podcast, where Rachael chats with Natalie Runion about her book, I Don’t Even Like Women. In it, Natalie flips the script on the narratives that keep us divided and reminds us that God designed friendships with other women to be life-giving, healing, and deeply purposeful. You’ll walk away with hope, encouragement, and practical tools for building friendships that last. You can listen to the episode here.}
About the Author:
Amber Bateman has a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Liberty University and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in South Carolina. She previously studied communications in Florida and religious studies in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Amber has over 15 years of experience in the helping profession, serving with a therapeutic wilderness camp, sexual assault response program, pregnancy care center, student counseling services, Christian counseling and private practice settings. She enjoys leading workshops and speaking to businesses and non-profit organizations. Her book, Save Yourself Some Therapy: Four Modern Dangers to Our Mental Health, is a practical resource for individuals and small groups.
Amber lives in Greenville, SC with her husband and two sons. She is a foodie and world traveler; lover of hot tea, Downtown Abbey, and Marvel’s Endgame. She can often be found in her garden where she grows fruit trees, vegetables, mushrooms, herbs, and flowers. One of her favorite quotes is from Corrie ten Boom. “No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still; with Jesus even in our darkest moments, the best remains and the very best is yet to be.”
