Driving away from the airport, my heart broke. Just a few miles down the highway, I had to pull over because I could no longer see through my tears. I glanced at the back seat at the three empty car seats. “God, you have asked too much.”
My oldest daughter and her husband answered God’s call to move their family to a third-world country and serve as medical missionaries—permanently. Their children were four, two, and six months old.
I knew it would be hard when they left, but I didn’t expect the waves of grief that engulfed me. Being a mother and grandmother was my identity. We lived near enough before they departed to be involved in their lives. We gathered for birthdays and frequently babysat. I loved lavishing my grandchildren with books and toys. This had all been taken away from me. Would my grandchildren even remember me as they grew up?
I wanted to pray, but felt God must be ashamed of me. My grief even welled up into anger toward my heavenly Father. I was a mess, emotionally and spiritually.
As God often does, He began speaking to me through scripture about His understanding of a mother’s heart. After all, He created motherhood and all of the hormones and emotions that come with it.
Mary knew Jesus was no ordinary child, yet she was an ordinary woman with all the maternal feelings and protectiveness that came with the birth of Jesus. The shepherds arrived at the manger, telling of the host of angels pointing them to the stable. We read in Luke 2:19, “Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” NIV. Again, when Jesus, as a twelve-year-old, astounds the rabbis and his own parents when He sat in the temple, revealing deep understanding of the Torah, we read of Mary’s response. In Luke 2:51, we are told, “But His mother treasured all these things in her heart.” NIV
God made mothers and their hearts that cherish their children and all the memories of them. Moms celebrate every milestone and experience great joy in raising the children entrusted to them.
At the same time that we read of the miraculous birth, Simeon spoke directly to Mary during Jesus’ circumcision. After prophesying about the purpose of Jesus’ life, he spoke directly to Mary. Luke 2: 51, “…and a sword will pierce your own soul, too.”
In saving the world by laying down His life, Jesus would break His mother’s heart. Amid the celebration of new life was the shadow of the cross. Mary had to raise this child with open hands of surrender to God.
I was reminded throughout the Old Testament that mothers were called upon to yield their children back to God, who had given them. Moses’ mother had to place him in a basket and entrust him to the Nile and to God. Samuel’s mother offered her son to service in the temple. Daniel was torn from his home in his teens. God destined each of these men to fulfill His purpose, and the mothers were called to surrender. I knew then that I had to offer my children and grandchildren to God’s bigger plan.
As I turned to Him in honesty, I was met with tenderness and compassion, not condemnation. He understood my pain, and I knew He would walk with me through the difficult days of surrender. I was assured then that God had called my children to this new life, and I could partner with them and learn to support them in this journey.
My season of dying to my dreams was like being crushed in an olive press. It was painful, and some days felt like hand-to-hand combat with my emotions. Being an artist, I poured myself into prayer-painting. The enemy was not silent during my time of wrestling with God. When I heard cruel whispers of dread and sorrow, I chose to create and lift every concern to God.
I painted scenes from my daughter’s beautiful rural adopted country. My heart shifted as I began to pray for the people my daughter’s family encountered and for the increasing boldness they would need as they shared the good news. Bitterness loosened its grip as I chose not to listen to fear.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 ESV
I have gone to their country several times. I now see the wisdom of God and how well-suited my daughter and son-in-law are for their work. The spiritual fruit from their ministry is amazing. They witness miracles rarely seen in the States. When I see my grandchildren share their faith with neighborhood children in their adopted native tongue, I am humbled. How could I ever have wished them anywhere else? My grandchildren’s deep faith is worth far more to me than having them live nearby.
So, I visit with my grandchildren only by video chat. I do not participate in their lives as most of the world enjoys their family. That is not my lot in this world, nor is it mine to question. Nonna gifts are not cute clothes or countless stuffed animals, but instead, Kindle books, crocs for the rainy season, and jars of peanut butter. I chose to let go of anger and my own empty dreams to receive so much more – a deeper prayer life and a much closer relationship with my daughter’s family, although we live far apart.
About the Author:
Ann Bowman has written for several magazines, and her recent book, “I Never Signed Up for This,” details her journey as a mother to two daughters who serve overseas as missionaries. Ann is passionate about encouraging parents of missionaries and being an advocate for Third Culture Kids, or MK’s—Missionary Kids. She has spoken for MOPS groups and served as a Women’s Bible Study coordinator and teacher. Married 44 years, she has four children and five grandchildren.
Connect with Ann:
https://neversignedupforthis.com
